by finding forgiveness
As I have grown in years, I am ashamed of some of the things I have done. So ashamed that to mention them right now would
take more than a simple story to explain. I’m not even sure if I could explain it all in a book. In fact, I’m not sure if I would even
believe the explanation.
What I now value most is what I caused pain for others earlier in my life. I can look at things that are priceless to my wife and I,
that hold no value to anyone else and I recently had a memory of destroying a similar “thing” that someone else held as
priceless. Not only did I destroy this heirloom but I did it in their home.
Looking at ours and visualizing it happening to us… it would leave me shattered. I would lost the physical item but the room I’m
now writing this in would also be lost. I couldn’t sit here seeing it all destroyed, knowing that every step I took would be a step
into pain and desecration. Yes, it is something that is very special and spiritual.
It happened during the darkest days of my life and I can’t even remember the people I inflicted this pain on but now owning this
piece of my family history, I know I destroyed someone else’s history.
The important thing to never forget is that events like this can be forgiven. You don’t even need to make amends face to face, if
that isn’t possible. The thing that is needed is the willingness. Right now the shame is so deep that I wish I could remember
everything about this event and the people involved.
Like I said, it was a dark time in my life. Heavy drug and alcohol use has made a lot of that time blurry to say the least. I don’t
know with certainty if they knew I did the damage but I wish I could remember it all to tell them it was me and to say I am sorry.
It just seems that the more “centered” I become I am able to see the past in a different light. And that light is very unflattering. It
is filled with shame and regret.
If I can find any comfort with this trip down memory lane… let me change that to nightmare lane… it is the fact that I could never
do these deeds now. I am not the person I was when I drank and did drugs. I have feelings and empathy. Not only can I feel my
feelings but I can feel the pain of others.
I believe it was Deepak Chopra who said that we are not human beings having occasional spiritual experiences. Instead we are
spiritual beings having occasional human experiences.